Jump to content
gaberdeen

Having a hard time.

Recommended Posts

gaberdeen

My wife and I dropped our 18 yr old daughter off to college on Wednesday. She has been calling every evening homesick. I know it’s going to take a few weeks to get adjusted and this is pretty normal but as a parent it makes me want to do something to ease her discomfort. She probably gets it from me as I was always a big homebody when I was young. Still am today, I am not a good “alone person”. I need someone around or I get lonely pretty easily. Guess there goes my plans for living as a hermit in the Maine woods when I retire. I guess what I’m saying is I don’t know who is having a harder time, me or her.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Grifish

Good luck!   No pearls of wisdom here, sorry.

 

Maybe if you post where she’s near some UJer and family could have her to dinner?

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
gaberdeen

She is right near Polecat. MMM don’t know how that would play out! LOL 😂 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
erik meade

We dropped our twins off at their respective colleges for the first time last year.

I cried. 

 

I teach college, and will meet a new group of homesick, lonely students next week.

 

It will work out.

 

It will take more than a couple of weeks.

 

I would say phone calls once per week.  Some texting is ok

 

No visits until homecoming/ parents weekend.

 

No coming back home until Thanksgiving.

 

 

Trust the raising you did.

 

 

It will take more than a few weeks.

 

But, I think, for most people, it will take even longer if there isn't a bit of a kicking out of the nest.

 

Tell her that she can handle it, then act like that is true by stepping back.

Take on a home project or something to divert your mind.

 

 

 

Repeat.  It will take more than a few weeks.  This is the norm.  I see it every year.

 

 

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Fishnfowler

I've sent 3 kids to college, the last one moves out in 2 days.  My first child was the hardest, and between us, both struggled.  I have always blamed myself for the preparation not being better.  The second two we groomed more and they are doing great.  My inclination is to offer advice and solace.  I think I'll run with the solace.  The decision to have children may be the biggest one faces in life.  Adulthood isn't reached quickly and most have a struggle along the way.  Parenting never stops, despite the distance or challenges.  Despite the departure, your child will always be your child.  I believe the challenges of parenting are always overcome by the joys, and have always found peace in the experience of the moment and memories of time together.  On that note, I'm also hunting solo this year and anticipate it will be hard to work through.  I've always found great joy watching one of my kids find success in the uplands.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Brad Eden

Been there with two daughters. Number one had a very hard time, and ended up trying out a few schools, even lived at home for a spell and took courses at UMaine, but finally found her place at Colby Sawyer in NH and graduated. I had to drive out to a couple schools to deal with issues. There was overcrowding at her first school and they packed 3 kids in a dorm room meant for 2. This was her first year and first semester. She got stuck with two good friends who weren't happy she was there. She tried to talk to the housing office but got the usual run around. I drove up, met with them and told them I would be leaving the school with my daughter and my money that day if she wasn't reassigned immediately. True story, not chest pounding. They found her a better arrangement. Number too has always been a tough cookie, and barreled her way through undergrad and grad programs, pretty much independently.

 

Funny story. My youngest, the tough one won  a week at a summer camp for a T-shirt design she did, when she was maybe 13 or so. It was about an hour and a half away. We drove her there and it was pretty remote and more woodsy than she had anticipated. The counselors had been at camp with other kids all summer, and apparently the showering facilities weren't great because they stunk like BO, bad. It was raw. Liz said she didn't want to stay. I took her for a walk and told her to give it a shot and that if she was still unhappy after a couple days I would come back to get her. We never heard from her and were worried sick. When we drove back after a week we expected a frantic child running into our arms, so happy to be saved. Not. She completely ignored us and was busy crying and hugging all the friends she had met and those stinky counselors. Kids.

 

I had a hard time when each of them flew the nest. Same with JoAnn, it was eased by the fact they were 6 years apart in age. Hang in their dad, don't rescue her too fast and too soon. You know her better than anyone and will sense when it's time to take action if needed.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
gaberdeen

Thanks guys, just venting it helps. I know she will be ok. She is actually pretty close to home only about 1 hr and 20 mins away and my niece lives close by to her college. Like I said it’s me whose probably having the harder time with her going off.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
ccavacini

I remember talking to my sister when she left home to go to Indiana University.  She called my mom and wanted to come home.  Mom wouldn't let her.

 

She survived

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
gunsrus

We dropped my daughter off at Colby and went North for a few days vacation . My wife worried the whole time . Stopped back at Colby on the way back . Mind you she was a three sport athlete and was recruited . She found out she wasn't the big fish in the little pond but that all the athletes were recruited . We left her and everything seemed fine and started driving away and my wife said go back . We did and when my wife went back to the dorm they both cried for about an hour . She wanted to come home . We said work it out and we'll talk next week . 

Once acclimated , she was fine . 

Hang in there bud . 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Dave Quindt

Go buy a gun and 5 flats of shells; it will take your mind off of things. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Larry Brown

I think cell phones and computers make it too easy for kids to stay in contact with parents.  One thing they're supposed to learn in college is how to function as independent adults.  Parents have to walk the line between providing too much of a crutch for the kids to lean on and making them feel abandoned.

 

I taught at two different colleges.  Mostly freshmen.  I'd say Erik's advice is very good.  In many ways, going back to my experience reporting for Basic Training a little over a month after I graduated from HS, I think it might almost be easier on kids if they didn't have such instant access to Mom and Dad.  Almost all by mail for us.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Big Pine

I used to work at a public university out west, teaching a few dozen new students every fall. Most all of them went through this to some degree—especially the ones who were from small towns or had grown up somewhere far away. I felt bad for every single one of them, and I was there myself not too long ago. It’s a tough time, but it’s definitely growing pain, too. Truth is, this is an important part of growing up.

 

I don’t have kids, so I can’t speak to this as a parent. As an instructor, though, I can say that the first few weeks are the most important for student success. Statistics from my old institution show that new students who leave campus to visit parents before midterms are significantly less likely to settle in and do well during their first year. I’d try to quietly discourage visits home for at least a few weeks. It’s not easy, but once she meets a bunch of new friends and gets involved on campus things will be much better.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
WPG Gizmo

Once she meets some people and make a few new friends she will be fine

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
gaberdeen
1 hour ago, Dave Quindt said:

Go buy a gun and 5 flats of shells; it will take your mind off of things. 

Bought a new crossbow. I will have time to deer hunt for the first time in years.

 

I have purposely not called her so she can focus on being out there. Goes against my parental instinct though.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Don Steese

Just took my granddaughter today. She's the older of the two and has always been "Pap's" girl. A bit emotional for both of us.  I expect the first week to be tough for her because she's starting early and her roomie won't be there till next week. Hope she adjusts. They all do I guess. Hope your girl does too!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Please sign in to comment

You will be able to leave a comment after signing in



Sign In Now

×