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Fart stories....


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I once got my daughter's "boyfriend du jour" to put my Dogtra collar to his neck to show him it only 'stimulated' the dog.

I turned the controller to 'weld' and hit him with a 3 second blast.

He jumped up 18 inches, farted in the air, and landed in a crumpled heap at the bottom of the steps.  The collar was unhurt in the incident.

We can all laugh about it now...but back then I was in the dog house for a while.

bk

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What is this "fart" you speak of. I am not familiar with this term.

Actually, since the prep for my colonoscopy (a$$cam), my gaseous emanations have been minor and of a less offensive nature, for the most p(h)art. I highly recommend Fleet treatment for ye of filth hole wraith. The ghosts of meals past may well be rendered innocuous by such a tract exorcistic tactic.

I think that disgust is key in fart stories. Discomfort, release, surprise, etcetera make for a good belly laugh, so to speak (i.e. out the wazoo).

I remember talking to one of my more frank and body function fascinated supervisees one day about an embarrassing shart that had recently darkened my (back) door. He had a mere scientific interest in what may have lead to the skidmarking accident...but the maniacal laughter of a student worker from behind some nearby shelves in our area indicated that such misplaced functions and revelations could be considered hilarious. The unseen, laughing graduate student guffawed as I'd never heard her guffaw before. She's my loving partner in life now and you could say that the joke's on her. NO! Not THAT! You people are sick! Cleanse yourselves!~)

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Breakfast Boy
I once got my daughter's "boyfriend du jour" to put my Dogtra collar to his neck to show him it only 'stimulated' the dog.

I turned the controller to 'weld' and hit him with a 3 second blast.

He jumped up 18 inches, farted in the air, and landed in a crumpled heap at the bottom of the steps.  The collar was unhurt in the incident.

We can all laugh about it now...but back then I was in the dog house for a while.

bk

Now THAT is priceless!!!  I've got three daughters at home, so I'll remember that one!  Oh, and nice avatar too!

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I once got my daughter's "boyfriend du jour" to put my Dogtra collar to his neck to show him it only 'stimulated' the dog.

I turned the controller to 'weld' and hit him with a 3 second blast.

He jumped up 18 inches, farted in the air, and landed in a crumpled heap at the bottom of the steps.  The collar was unhurt in the incident.

We can all laugh about it now...but back then I was in the dog house for a while.

bk

Now THAT is priceless!!!  I've got three daughters at home, so I'll remember that one!  Oh, and nice avatar too!

Explain to the current boy friend after you give a proper demonstration that if anything unkind should happen to your daughter and you find out about it he will be wearing the collar but not around his neck and she will have the button.  :D  :devil:  :D

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Yup,

That boy wasn't the brightest bulb in the candleabra...

I had the two dog set up and demonstrated on my own neck with the orange collar using the black setting on the controller.  I faked a little twinge when I pushed the button and said, 'see, it's just a tingle'.  He put the orange collar to his neck, I switched the controller to orange...and the rest is family legend.

For those of you with daughters just ask...there isn't much I haven't done to discourage boys from sniffing around the house.

The ones that persevere I generally approve of.

bk

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What is this "fart" you speak of. I am not familiar with this term.

Actually, since the prep for my colonoscopy (a$$cam), my gaseous emanations have been minor and of a less offensive nature, for the most p(h)art. I highly recommend Fleet treatment for ye of filth hole wraith. The ghosts of meals past may well be rendered innocuous by such a tract exorcistic tactic.

I think that disgust is key in fart stories. Discomfort, release, surprise, etcetera make for a good belly laugh, so to speak (i.e. out the wazoo).

I remember talking to one of my more frank and body function fascinated supervisees one day about an embarrassing shart that had recently darkened my (back) door. He had a mere scientific interest in what may have lead to the skidmarking accident...but the maniacal laughter of a student worker from behind some nearby shelves in our area indicated that such misplaced functions and revelations could be considered hilarious. The unseen, laughing graduate student guffawed as I'd never heard her guffaw before. She's my loving partner in life now and you could say that the joke's on her. NO! Not THAT! You people are sick! Cleanse yourselves!~)

Fred, that was so darn funny an embarassing shart almost darkened my door!  Some people step in sh!t before receiving good fortune. You make your own.  That's brilliant.

And Buddy, I mean Mr. Knox, is there any chance you could write a procedural manual for us other guys with daughters?  I really like your approach. You burned a lasting memory into that young man he'll never forget.  As rare as they come, he should thank you.

You guys are cracking me up tonight.

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This ones a dusy. So I don't like flying at all, but find myself flying alot anyway. About two years ago I had a flight, so the night before I decided I would go out and stay up late so I could sleep on my flight the next day, bad idea! Went out and ended up tying one on something fierce and ended up feeling sick on the plane the next day and was holding back vomit the entire first flight which there was hardly anyone on. So I get to my connecting flight and get on board a little jet that is packed to the max and immediatly start feeling sick. We get up to altitude and start hitting air pockets and I got sick and was holding back the puke when all of a sudden I thought I was going to loose it and made a huge loud fart sound out of my mouth as I was trying to hold back the vomit and then looked up and the hole damn airplane was quite with eyes staring at me from all around. When the plane landed and I got off I noticed people looking at me and snickering. At least I managed not to puke on the plane. The worst part is it was a three row aircraft with two seats on one side and one seat on the other so I didn't even have anyone sitting next to me to understand what had happened. I have many a fart story but this one has always stood out in my mind as one of the most embarrasing and I didn't even fart.
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Huummmmm..........you want a fart story, huh?  Well let's see?

 OK, I remember one!

  This all took place, about five years ago.  When I use to hunt with a different group of guys, that I no longer hunt with now.

 

   It all happen, the fart incident, during deer camp.   We had been up there for about a week.  Eating and drinking...........well, lets just say...........everything under the sun.  

   Chili for lunch and beans for a side dish every night, with whatever else could be deemed unhealthy for you.  And, drink.......man did we ever.  So, after a week of eating like that and all of that beer.  My "insides" were a mess and "that's" putting it mildly.

   This group of guys that I was up there with, usually every year, enjoy going to a little strip joint.  I'm not big on these places and usual don't go.  But, they were giving me the business this year.......so I went.

   So anyways, we get to this place and it's packed.  You can barely find a seat or move for that matter.  We final find a table and sit down for a beer.  All the while.  I'm just sitting there, thinking to myself.  I wonder how long we're going to be here and when the heck are we going to leave................when all of a sudden......it happens!  

    My insides......start twisting and turning!  Something inside there wanted out...........just as bad as I wanted it out!  Well, I'm sitting there enduring the pain, when I realize........that if I let off some gas every once in awhile.  It really seems to help relieve some of the pain and pressure.

   I don't know how many of you are familiar with this type of place, but they have a dance that you can pay a girl to do for you.  That's called a "table dance".  She gets up on the table and does a little dance for you.....close up and personal....so to speak.

   Well, I'm sitting there minding my own business, just enjoying myself........for the fact........that I can final relieve the pain..........by letting farts.  When one of the guys, at the table next to us.  Asked one of the girls for a "table dance".   Which she is happy to oblige them with.

   They clear their table off, she gets up on the table and gets ready to do her thing.............when all of a sudden......it hits me again.  But, this time it excruciating....and I mean bad!  In the mean time, right behind me she's just getting started.  She sits down on the table and starts to spread her legs while facing the guy that has paid for the dance...........when it happens........at the same exact time.........I let one go!  

  Now...........we've all heard the term......."Silent but Deadly"........while referring to someone letting off gas..........well, it doesn't do this fart justice!  

   Well, the timing was perfect.  Just as she spread her legs apart.....the gases from within my rotting stomach........came drifting over to the payees nostrils.  The look, on that guys face was worth all of the tea in China!  

   I could actually see tears forming in his eyes.  The smell was something awful.......even I'll admit.  You could almost read his mind too...........he was like...........WOW......I can't "believe" the "smell" that coming out of this girls.........man........she's got problems..........

   I have to stop now..........the guys here at work are starting to really wonder about me.......  Tears are coming down my face as I write this.......I guess you just had to be there?

   

  Brian.

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twosetters, that is without a doubt one of the funniest freakin' stories ever written here. I've got tears in my eyes from trying to contain the laughter.

And Buddy...when you write your book, I'll take an autographed copy please.

Lon...PM bro. I gotta know.

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Twosetters all I have to say is WOW!  Talk about raising the bar (or emptying it as the case may be) I've been laughing my fool head off for the past half hour on that one.  

C'mon all you lurkers out there jump in on this one!  We need to keep this thread percolating...

Jim

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I got my son to take out the garbage with a good fart.  One of those days that I mentioned before about "clearing a room" - that evening, still gaseous, I had been trying to get my son to take out the garbage all evening and just couldn't get him to get the job done.  Well, I had about enough so I called him over to the garbage and told him it was really wreaking and to get it outside.  Little did he know just before he got there I let a real nasty one out and when he hit the "green cloud" he just about threw up in the garbage can.  He wretched several times as he took the garbage out and I just stood there snickering.  I still have trouble getting him to take out the garbage, but after that I don't harp on it as much (until the next time!)
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