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Jacob Jesus Escape

My gal's dad had a birthday last weekend. Lot's of interesting food and beverages turned up. Many noses turned up, TOO, that is...when the homemade KIMCHI arrived!

Wikipedia - kimchi

That stuff is a phart not EVEN waiting to happen.

It's like some guy sewed up socks made of rank cabbage and wore them, in old army boots, through a steaming hot jungle for several weeks. They he removed the socks and threw'em in a laundry hamper...that happened to be full of fermenting chilies and old garlic. At that point, he smoked opium to kill the smell which then he could no longer locate, as it became omnipresent as his faculties rapidly failed in the stupification. The labrador then ate the concoction and deposited what it couldn't digest on a platter near his pallet. The dude awoke to find the kimchi weapon of mass destruction bubbling up its evil near his bed, isolated it in a jar, buried it and called Homeland Security. Weeks later, they came, dug up the stuff and took it. In a committee meeting,they decided to feed it to detainees at Guantanamo Bay. Finding that about half of the starving detainees were able to stomach it with few ill effects, they snuck it back into the house of the guy who provided the sample. He was stoned once more and, upon waking ate it. The world came to an end...at his end's emanation.

I actually liked the stuff and brought the leftovers home. It does smell like a hot, spicy, rotten, cabbage sock and can cause a roiling, thunderstomach but smells worse going in than coming out...and tastes fine if your olfactory nerves are dead or temporarily desensitized.

I'm avoiding currently avoiding producing a report and better go. Um... That came out wrong. D'OH!~)

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Airedale from NY

Senator Hillary Clinton and former Attorney General Janet Reno were having one of those girl to girl talks. Hillary says to Janet, Your'e lucky that you don't have to put up with men having sex with you. I have to put up with Bill, and there is no telling where he had his you know what last.

Janet:"just because I am esthetically challenged doesn't mean Idon't have to fight off unwelcome sexual advances."

Hillary: "Well how have you dealt with the problem?"

Janet: "Whenever I feel that a guy is getting ready to make a pass at me, with all my might I squeeze out the loudest, nastiest fart I can muster."

Well that night, Bill was already in bed with the lights out when Hillary came to bed. She could hear him and she knew that he would be trying for some action.

Having saved her farts all day, she was ready for him. She tenses up and let's loose the most disgusting sounding farts you could imagine.

Bill rolls over and whispers, " Is that you Janet?"

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  • 2 years later...

On such an erudite subject, I believe it's best to study the Masters and realize we go forth on the shoulders of giants. I would highly recommend:

fart_proudly.jpg

And the story of the amazing "Le Petomane."

Some of the highlights of his stage act involved sound effects of cannon fire and thunderstorms, as well as playing 'O Sole Mio and La Marseillaise on an ocarina through a rubber tube in his anus. He could also blow out a candle from several yards away. His audience included Edward, Prince of Wales, King Leopold II of the Belgians and Sigmund Freud..."

le_petomane.jpg

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Remember the best line after one farts:

"I didn't hear anything."

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This thread certainly sets a new standard for UJ and I must admit that my lawn jockey thread has been out done.  That said I must contribute.

Several years ago I am on a commercial flight with my young son.  The male flight attendant is passing by with the beverage cart and my son blurts out "Who farted!"  

The flight attendant says "Not me".

I then recall a story told to me about how flight attendands get back at certain passengers.  I as the flight attendant "Don't you guys have a name for that?"

He wispers his response "Crop dusting".

Dave

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 I as the flight attendant "Don't you guys have a name for that?"

He wispers his response "Crop dusting".

We call that a "drag bunt" and use it at parties, when you've got to release, but don't want to be pinned for it.  Pause, release (trying for as much SBD as you can muster), then move on, leaving the waft behind you.

Quick story:

My oldest son was being baptized, along with 4 other 2-month olds.  The priest moves from baby to baby, making the Sign of the Cross on their foreheads with oil, along with "in the name of the Father, the Son, etc."  The church is stone silent as he reaches for Alex's forehead, and the kid lets out a whopper!  Whole place cracks up -- without missing a beat, Father John says "that's the first time I've ever had a baby bless me back!"  

With the three boys plus me, it's a constant gas-fest, and an ongoing struggle for my wife and daughter to put up with.  Accusations (and denials and counterclaims) run rampant, especially on Taco Night.

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I can remember back in middle school I was in gym class and we were all doing sit ups as a warm up everything was just fine till a girl one row behind me starts farting and not only that but every time she would go in the up motion for the situp she would let out a very vocal fart yet she didnt skip a beat and just kept on going, I was laughing so hard I could not breath wich caught the attention of our teacher who began yelling at me cause I was no longer able to continue doing situps I had to walk out of the gym just so I could stop laughing.

When I was in high school I cleared the whole class room wich made my teacher really irate so she gave me a detention and sent me to the principal who decides that it was serious enough to contact my parents so Im sitting in his office waiting for my mom to show up and Im starting to get worried now thinking my mom is going to kill me but when she shows up my mom starts ripping the principal a new one for trying to punish me for something that is a bodily function. I ended up walking away with no punishment

all of the posted stories are awesome keep them coming!

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I was going to share my funny story...then I read TwoSetters...my story isn't even mildly amuzing after that...Hats off to you
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Pleasant Ridge
Do not try this at home!!! I had a streak (no pun intended) where I could fart on command.. I was letting them rip ever few minutes in the living room one day and my beautiful wife said I "needed to go to the bathroom when I had to do that". Later that night while she was taking a bath I went to the bathroom, as I had been instructed to do any time I "felt the flatulence" moving in my small and  large intestines and I let a big one go :D   Of course you can imagine the response I got  :angry:  My reply was "honey I am only doing what you told me to do".. So now I am confused, a man can't even please 'em when he is doing what he is told..
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Thanks, guys!  I'm now dehydrated from the tears rolling down my face and laughing so hard that I Farted!

My Lab gave me a dirty look, got off the couch and layed on the floor 10 feet away from me!

And, I'm linking this in an email to all my friends and family!

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