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Cold weather comic relief (Got any dumb jokes?)


Dave Erickson

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Dave Erickson

Two catfish were swimming up the Mississippi River and they both swam headlong into a hard vertical wall. After a brief moment one said the the other, "Damm!"

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Mike da Carpenter

Why does a scuba diver fall backward out of the boat?

 

 

If he were to fall forward, he would still be in the boat.

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A guy's favorite hunting dog was sick. So he took him to his veterinarian for a thorough examination.

The veterinarian said, "I'm afraid it's not good news ... your dog has 'Tom Jones' disease."

The owner said, "Is that rare?"

The veterinarian replied, "It's not unusual."

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A man was speeding down the highway, feeling secure in a cluster of cars all traveling at the same speed.

However, as they passed a speed trap, he got nailed with an infrared speed detector and was pulled over.

The officer handed him the citation, received his signature and was about to walk away when the man asked, “Officer, I know I was speeding, but I don’t think it’s fair ... there were plenty of other cars around me who were going just as fast, so why did 'I' get the ticket?”

“Ever go fishing?” the policeman suddenly asked the man.

“Ummm, yeah …” the startled man replied.

The officer grinned and added, “Ever catch 'ALL' the fish?”

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A guy and his wife were walking along a creek looking for a way to get to the other side. They saw a blond gal across the river. They asked her how to get to the other side.

She said- "you already are"

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Two blondes are out for a walk. One of them picks up a piece of a broken mirror and looks into it at the reflection. "I can't figure out who that is". "Let me see" says her friend. "You silly it's me".

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Blond walks up to the ticket window and asks for a round trip ticket.

Attendant asks "where to?"

Blond says "Well, HERE of course."

 

Seed salesman was talking to the farmer when a pig with three legs limps by. Salesman asked about the missing leg and the farmer said "that pig saved my life. I was sleeping when that pig started making all kinds of squealing noises and was banging into the door so I got up and saw that almost the whole house was on fire, without that noisy pig I wouldn't be here".

"That's quite a story", the salesman said. "Did the pig lose the leg in the fire?"

"Well no", said the farmer, "when you have a pig that saves your life you don't eat him all at once".

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Fun Topic.

 

(Beavis and Buttheads on Board who seize opportunities like this, please refrain from posting anything "vile" and inappropriate to the Board. Not kidding.) Back to regular scheduled programming. Buzzkill Brad.

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A trucker stops at a red light and a blonde catches up to him. She knocks on the window and says, "Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load. "
The trucker just ignores her, the light changes, and he proceeds down the street. At the next light, the blonde again catches up and says, "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load. "
He ignores her again and continues down the street. At the next red light the blonde catches up, all out of breath, knocks on the window and says, "Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load. "
The trucker looks at her and finally he says, "Hi, my name is Kevin, it's snowing, and I'm driving a salt truck. "

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A blonde driving a car became lost in a snowstorm…. She didn’t panic however, because she remembered what her dad had once told her. “If you ever get stuck in a snowstorm, just wait for a snow plow to come by and follow it.” Sure enough, pretty soon a snow plow came by, and she started to follow it. She followed the plow for about forty-five minutes. Finally the driver of the truck got out and asked her what she was doing. And she explained that her dad had told her if she ever got stuck in a snow storm, to follow a plow. The driver nodded and said, “Well, I’m done with the Wal-Mart parking lot, do you want to follow me over to Best Buy now?”

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Ole and Sven are quietly sitting in a boat fishing, chewing and drinking beer when suddenly Sven says, 'I think I'm gonna divorce my wife - she ain't spoke to me in over 2 months.' Ole sips his beer and says, 'Better think it over...women like that are hard to find.'

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