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Cold weather comic relief (Got any dumb jokes?)


Dave Erickson

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A baptist missionary was traveling around the country to some of the smaller rural communities, visiting churches and speaking with pastors. He walks into a tiny one room church in South Georgia and sees a white telephone hanging on the wall. A small sign reads 10,000.00 per minute.

 

The missionary asks the pastor of the church what the phone is for. Pastor replies, that is a direct line to heaven. Pick it up, give them your credit card number and you get one minute to talk to someone in heaven! The missionary couldn't believe it, he soon left on his way to visit another church.

 

Entering a small church in rural Kansas the missionary sees another white phone, same sign and same story. All of his life he has wanted to have a direct line to heaven but could never afford 10k.

 

Driving west he pulls into a little mountain church in the mountains of Montana. Walks in and introduces himself. Speaks with the pastor and sees a white phone on the wall in the back of the church. Small scribbled sign says 25 cents. The missionary asks what the phone is for and the pastor explains it's a direct line to heaven. The missionary can't believe it, 25 cents, there must be some mistake!

 

He tells the pastor that in all the rural churches he has visited he has seen that same phone in a good many but all were 10,000.00 a minute? The pastor explains " Oh son, this is Montana....heaven is a LOCAL call from here".

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A nun walks into the Mother Superior’s office and plunks down into a chair. She lets out a sigh, heavy with frustration. 
“What troubles you, Sister?” asked the Mother Superior. “I thought this was the day you spent with your family.”
“It was,” sighed the Sister. “And I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ.”
“I seem to recall that,” the Mother Superior agreed. “So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?”
“Far from it,” snorted the Sister. “In fact, I took the Lord’s name in vain today!”
“Goodness, Sister!” gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. “You must tell me all about it".
“Well, we were on the fifth tee — and this hole is a monster, Mother — 540 yard par 5, with a nasty dogleg right and a hidden green ... and I hit the drive of my life. The sweetest swing I've ever made. And it’s flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted ... and it hits a bird in mid-flight!”
“Oh my!” commiserated the Mother Superior. “How unfortunate! But surely that didn’t make you blaspheme, Sister!”
“No, that wasn’t it,” admitted the Sister. “While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!”
“Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!” sympathized the Mother Superior.
“But I didn’t, Mother!” sobbed the Sister. “And I was so proud of myself! And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his paws!”
“So that’s when you cursed,” said the Mother Superior with a knowing smile.
“Nope, that wasn’t it either,” cried the Sister, anguished, “because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!”
The Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said ...
“You missed the putt, didn’t you?”

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Mike da Carpenter

Have you ever seen an elephant hide in a tree?

 

 

Pretty good at it, aren’t they?

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8 minutes ago, Mike da Carpenter said:

Have you ever seen an elephant hide in a tree?

 

 

Pretty good at it, aren’t they?

THe wife groaned at that one.

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Mike da Carpenter
4 minutes ago, john mcg said:

THe wife groaned at that one.

 

I was actually reading all these to my wife, and she asked me to post that one.  I just looked at her and smiled when she told it.

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1 minute ago, Mike da Carpenter said:

 

I was actually reading all these to my wife, and she asked me to post that one.  I just looked at her and smiled when she told it.

It has a 'Groucho' feel to it.

 

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Laura’s dishwasher quit working so she called a repairman. Since she had to go to work the next day, she told the repairman, “I’ll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I’ll mail you a check.

“Oh, by the way, don’t worry about my bulldog, Bob. He won’t bother you. But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot! I repeat, do not talk to my parrot!”

When the repairman arrived at Laura’s apartment the following day, he discovered the biggest, meanest looking bulldog he has ever seen. But, just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman go about his work.

The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing, and name-calling.

Finally, the repairman couldn’t contain himself any longer and yelled, “Shut up you stupid, ugly bird!”

To which the parrot replied, “Get him, Bob!”

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5 hours ago, max2 said:

you know what a wock is ....... a thing you throw at a wabbit...😀

 

"It's what  widdle boy fwows at a wabbit"

 

Fixed it.

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A church's bell ringer passed away. So they posted the position and a man came in with no arms wanting the job. The clergy weren't sure he could do it, but he convinced them to let him try it.

They climbed the bell tower and the guy ran toward the bell and hit it with his head. They gave him the job.

The next day he went to ring the bell, tripped, bounced off the bell and fell to the sidewalk below. Two guys were walking past.

One asked, "Do you know this guy?"

The second guy responded, "No, but his face rings a bell."

The next day, the dead bell ringer's twin brother comes in for the again vacant bell ringer position. He also has no arms. They lead him up to the bell tower, he runs at the bell, trips and falls to the sidewalk below.

The same two guys walk by.

The first asks, "Do you know him?"

The second guy responds, "No, but he's a dead ringer for the guy we saw yesterday."

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Some of these have made me LOL.

 

What did one frog say to the other frog???     Time sure is fun when you're having flies.

 

 

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A lady was going through her new house with the contractor and every time they'd go into a room he's go over, open it and holler out "Green Side Up" after several room she asked him why he kept hollering out green side up. He said that's because I have a crew of blondes laying sod!!!

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4 hours ago, Mike da Carpenter said:

Have you ever seen an elephant hide in a tree?

 

 

Pretty good at it, aren’t they?

 

In that same vein-------------

A guy was in a store when he noticed the man behind the counter would turn around two times and then thumb his nose at the ceiling. He did this every few minutes. 

The man watched for a while and couldn't stand it any longer so he asked him why he was doing that. "Keeps the elephants away" was the answer. The man replied "that's crazy, there aren't any elephants within a thousand miles of here".

"Works, don't it" was the reply. 

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5 hours ago, MUSTANGER7 said:

A lady was going through her new house with the contractor and every time they'd go into a room he's go over, open it and holler out "Green Side Up" after several room she asked him why he kept hollering out green side up. He said that's because I have a crew of blondes laying sod!!!

 

Been about 40 years since I heard this, at the time it was an ethnic shot at me by a great-uncle back when (and where) such things happened without malice.  

 

The elephant joke is excellent,

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6 hours ago, MUSTANGER7 said:

A lady was going through her new house with the contractor and every time they'd go into a room he's go over, open it and holler out "Green Side Up" after several room she asked him why he kept hollering out green side up. He said that's because I have a crew of blondes laying sod!!!

both of my daughters are blondes so whenever they screw up I'd say green side up, their mother did not appreciate it.

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