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Cold weather comic relief (Got any dumb jokes?)


Dave Erickson

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ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
_______________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
_________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget..
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death..
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral...
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?

______________________________________
And last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No..
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

 

 

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6 hours ago, ccavacini said:

____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________

 

This one may soon expire.

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The Board of Regents of the University of Missouri was having a discussion on how  to improve the school. One Regent said they needed a School of Mines. Others asked how having a School of Mines would be an improvement? He responded, "We already have a Veterinary School. So if we added a School of Mines, every Missouri graduate could say with certainty that they know the difference between their ass and a hole in the ground."

 

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Why did the elephant paint her toenails red?

 

 

 

 

 

so she can hide in cherry trees

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On 1/30/2019 at 11:20 AM, steveziv said:

Short version.  Moth walks into a doctor's office. He tells the doctor he's depressed and recounts all the personal problems he's having.  The doctor tells him, "your problems are psychological, I'm a medical doctor why did you come here?".  The moth responds, "The light was on".


Norm is the master at telling that joke:

 

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I was out fishing one day in grizzly country and I had just come out of the stream and was heading across a little meadow.  The meadow had one tree in it.  All of a sudden this griz comes rushing out of the brush and is charging me.  My only hope is to make it to the tree and jump up and grab a limb that was about thirty feet off the ground.  Well I'm running and the bear is just about to grab me when I jump up for the limb.  I missed it...    but I did get it on the way down.

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Guy walks into a bar and tells the bartender "give me 10 shots of the very best you have" Bartender says ''OK" lines up 10 shot glasses and pours them full....The guy starts knocking them down one after another and the bartender says "whoa, whoa brother, you don't need to drink like that" Guy says " you'd drink too if you had what I have" Bartender says" oh, I'm sorry ,what do you have?" ... Guy says '' A dollar".

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32 minutes ago, Possumtown said:

Guy walks into a bar and tells the bartender "give me 10 shots of the very best you have" Bartender says ''OK" lines up 10 shot glasses and pours them full....The guy starts knocking them down one after another and the bartender says "whoa, whoa brother, you don't need to drink like that" Guy says " you'd drink too if you had what I have" Bartender says" oh, I'm sorry ,what do you have?" ... Guy says '' A dollar".

Ok, this made me laugh out loud.

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