ccavacini Posted February 1, 2019 Share Posted February 1, 2019 ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning? WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?' ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you? WITNESS: My name is Susan! _______________________________ ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact? WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks. ____________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active? WITNESS: No, I just lie there. ____________________________________________ ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth? WITNESS: July 18th. ATTORNEY: What year? WITNESS: Every year. _____________________________________ ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you? WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which. ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you? WITNESS: Forty-five years. _________________________________ ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory? WITNESS: I forget.. ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot? ___________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning? WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam? ____________________________________ ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he? WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ. ___________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken? WITNESS: Are you shitting me? _________________________________________ ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time? WITNESS: Getting laid ____________________________________________ ATTORNEY: She had three children , right? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: How many were boys? WITNESS: None. ATTORNEY: Were there any girls? WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney? ____________________________________________ ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated? WITNESS: By death.. ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated? WITNESS: Take a guess. ___________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual? WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female? WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male. _____________________________________ ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney? WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work. ______________________________________ ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people? WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight. _________________________________________ ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to? WITNESS: Oral... _________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body? WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time? WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished. ____________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample? WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question? ______________________________________ And last: ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing? WITNESS: No.. ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor? WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless? WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law. Link to post Share on other sites
kgb Posted February 2, 2019 Share Posted February 2, 2019 6 hours ago, ccavacini said: ____________________________________________ ATTORNEY: She had three children , right? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: How many were boys? WITNESS: None. ATTORNEY: Were there any girls? WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney? ____________________________________________ This one may soon expire. Link to post Share on other sites
sneem Posted February 2, 2019 Share Posted February 2, 2019 The Board of Regents of the University of Missouri was having a discussion on how to improve the school. One Regent said they needed a School of Mines. Others asked how having a School of Mines would be an improvement? He responded, "We already have a Veterinary School. So if we added a School of Mines, every Missouri graduate could say with certainty that they know the difference between their ass and a hole in the ground." Link to post Share on other sites
kgb Posted February 2, 2019 Share Posted February 2, 2019 i.imgur.com/voHScWp.jpg Link to post Share on other sites
erik meade Posted February 2, 2019 Share Posted February 2, 2019 Why did the elephant paint her toenails red? so she can hide in cherry trees Link to post Share on other sites
erik meade Posted February 2, 2019 Share Posted February 2, 2019 On 1/30/2019 at 11:20 AM, steveziv said: Short version. Moth walks into a doctor's office. He tells the doctor he's depressed and recounts all the personal problems he's having. The doctor tells him, "your problems are psychological, I'm a medical doctor why did you come here?". The moth responds, "The light was on". Norm is the master at telling that joke: Link to post Share on other sites
ccavacini Posted February 3, 2019 Share Posted February 3, 2019 Finally, a parking spot for fat guys who love to grill Link to post Share on other sites
Big Al Posted February 3, 2019 Share Posted February 3, 2019 I was out fishing one day in grizzly country and I had just come out of the stream and was heading across a little meadow. The meadow had one tree in it. All of a sudden this griz comes rushing out of the brush and is charging me. My only hope is to make it to the tree and jump up and grab a limb that was about thirty feet off the ground. Well I'm running and the bear is just about to grab me when I jump up for the limb. I missed it... but I did get it on the way down. Link to post Share on other sites
Possumtown Posted February 5, 2019 Share Posted February 5, 2019 My wife is pissed at me....said she never has any privacy.....least that's what her diary said.... Link to post Share on other sites
Possumtown Posted February 5, 2019 Share Posted February 5, 2019 Guy walks into a bar and tells the bartender "give me 10 shots of the very best you have" Bartender says ''OK" lines up 10 shot glasses and pours them full....The guy starts knocking them down one after another and the bartender says "whoa, whoa brother, you don't need to drink like that" Guy says " you'd drink too if you had what I have" Bartender says" oh, I'm sorry ,what do you have?" ... Guy says '' A dollar". Link to post Share on other sites
ccavacini Posted February 5, 2019 Share Posted February 5, 2019 32 minutes ago, Possumtown said: Guy walks into a bar and tells the bartender "give me 10 shots of the very best you have" Bartender says ''OK" lines up 10 shot glasses and pours them full....The guy starts knocking them down one after another and the bartender says "whoa, whoa brother, you don't need to drink like that" Guy says " you'd drink too if you had what I have" Bartender says" oh, I'm sorry ,what do you have?" ... Guy says '' A dollar". Ok, this made me laugh out loud. Link to post Share on other sites
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