Jokes anyone?

[Big Al]

Guy goes to the doctor and tells him he having a problem with silent farts.  He's explaining to the doctor how they just happen and fortunately nobody hears them.  Oh there's one now he says.  What can you do for me doc?  Doctor says, well the first thing we're gonna do is check your hearing.

[Lurch]

Q: what do you get when you cross a dyslexic with an insomniac and an agnostic?

 

A: someone who stays up all night wondering if there really is a dog.

[topdog1961]

You may have heard this one from me before also:

 

Q: Did you hear about the sadist who married the masochist?

 

A: The masochist said “hurt me”.  The Sadist said “no”. 

[erik meade]

On 9/25/2019 at 9:25 AM, steveziv said:

I may have posted this one in a previous thread but,

 

A moth goes to the doctor's office and tells the doctor he is depressed, unhappy with his life and career,

feels unloved by his friends and family and life seems hopeless.

 

The doctor says; you have serious emotional problems and obviously need to see a psychologist, why did you come to me?  The moth replies; the light was on.

That is the short version.


This is the long version:

 

 

[ccavacini]

[Dave Erickson]

A man walks into a bar and tells the bartender he can fart the national anthem. The bartender laughed and said he'd give him free drinks all night he he could do it. The man then jumps up on top of the bar, pulls down his pants, and takes the biggest dump ever while patrons are screaming and running for the door. The bartender just stares and the guy straightens up and says, "Even Perry Como has to clear his throat before he starts!"

 

sorry

[walt lister]

If we get hemorrhoids, do eskimos get polaroids??

[Mike da Carpenter]

Q—-Why does a SCUBA diver fall backwards out of the boat?

 

A—-If they fell forward they would still be in the boat.

[MNice]

A women gave birth in her car while on the way to the hospital. Her husband aptly named their son, Carson.

[walt lister]

Every two seconds on Earth there is a woman giving birth. She must be found and stopped!!

[tut]

[tut]

One more.  Hope this is clean enough

[uplandave]

I’ll pass along a couple. 

3 conspiracy theorists walk into a bar.... who thinks that’s a coincidence?

 

2 hunters were walking through the woods when they came across a pit in the ground. It was so deep and dark that they couldn’t see the bottom so one said to the other “let’s throw something into it and see how long it takes to hit the bottom”. They look around and find a transmission, struggle to heave it into the pit and wait to hear it hit bottom. Just then they hear a crashing noise in the bushes behind them. They turn around to see a goat come bursting through the brush, run straight at them and dive head first into the pit. Speechless, they stared at each other, not sure what just happened. Suddenly a farmer walks up to them and asks if they had seen his goat. The one guy relays how a goat had bust through the bushes at about a “hundred miles an hour and dove into the pit”. The farmers replied “ that can’t be mine, my goat was tied to a transmission.

[apachecadillac]

Ed Zern's review of Lady Chatterley's Lover, by D.H. Lawrence:

 

"Although written many years ago, Lady Chatterley's Lover has just been reissued by the Grove Press, and this fictional account of the day-to-day life of an English gamekeeper is still of considerable interest to outdoor minded readers, as it contains many passages on pheasant raising, the apprehending of poachers, ways to control vermin, and other chores and duties of the professional gamekeeper.

"Unfortunately, one is obliged to wade through many pages of extraneous material in order to discover and savor these sidelights on the management of a Midlands shooting estate, and in this reviewer's opinion this book cannot take the place of J.R. Miller's Practical Gamekeeping" (Ed Zern, Field and Stream, November 1959, p. 142).

[Dakota Dogman]

Up until last Tuesday, a local old timer still preferred to take care of his daily business in his old outhouse. It was the middle of the night but the time was right so he waddled out to the shack in the dark... He'd been there a thousand times, no need for a light. He sat down and was just getting comfortable when a mink, hidden in the hole, jumped and bit onto the low hanging fruit.  

 

I would guess he swears by indoor plumbing.

 

PS. It was about 2 years ago, but based on a true story. I was in Leader hardware Mitchell SD when the neighbor came in with the news!

God bless,